Transcribed by Therin Stapp.
The Magpies: The Rumordish Interview
Transcribed by Therin (Twitter: @explosiverunes)
## Intro
Rhi: Welcome to our one-year anniversary bonus episode. We recorded this last October after a week of particularly grueling, exhausting political news and tragedy. None of us had the energy to play a regular session, but at the same time, none of us wanted to be left alone with our thoughts, either. We brainstormed about what we could do instead and landed on the idea of having the characters answer random Buzzfeed-style quizzes. It gave us a couple hours of much-needed laughter after a very hard week, and I hope that it brings you some of the same joy.
I’ve said a lot more about the one-year anniversary of the Magpies over on Twitter and in this week’s episode intro, so I won’t rehash it all here. But thank you all so very much for supporting the show. It means so much to all of us.
There’s no stinger on this episode, so I’m going to do the credits upfront.
The Magpies podcast is GMed and produced by Rhi. Follow me on Twitter @rhiannon42.
Blaire Culhane is played by Kim Kogut. Follow her on Twitter @kimdianajones.
Minx is played by Josie. Follow her on Twitter @dragongirljosie.
Myra Keel is played by Minna. Follow her on Twitter at @mynaminnarr.
Now then, let’s get started. Shall we?
## [0:01:31]
Rhi (as Woman): Marcus? Start taking this down. Hello readers! I’m Florence Fable of Rumordish, Duskwall’s premier source for scandal and gossip. Today, I have the ultimate scoop. I have been fortunate enough to sit down with The Magpies!
That’s right, Duskwall’s most wanted, the Magpies burst onto the scene with their assassination of Ambassador Avrathi and have been causing a stir throughout Duskwall ever since. I am here with Blaire, Minx, and Myra, and today we’re going to find out what makes these Magpies tick?
Kim (as Blaire): Tick?
Josie: Minx is bouncing excitedly.
[laughter]
Kim (as Blaire): Tick how?
Rhi (as Florence): Oh, you know… just things like… Well, here. We can start with this one. From what I understand you all share a residence, correct?
Josie (as Minx): Correct.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah…
Rhi (as Florence): Have you ever wanted a pet?
Kim (as Blaire): Yes!
Josie (as Minx): Yes, of course! I would prefer a cat.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah!
Josie (as Minx): Why don’t we have a cat?
Kim (as Blaire): Myra, can we get a cat?
Minna (as Myra): Don’t you already have pets, Blaire?
Kim (as Blaire): No, you won’t let me have any.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, I imagine if we let Blaire choose the pet, it could be any number of things.
Kim (as Blaire): What if— what if I got, like, one of those three-eyed cats with the fangs?
Josie (as Minx): I mean, that’s the lower end of strange, for you, I suppose, so that might be acceptable.
Kim (as Blaire): I mean, Seeks wouldn’t let me bring home the leviathan, so, like… I don’t know.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, well—
Rhi (as Florence): I have also heard that there are these very tall, spindly-armed moose that are extremely popular now!
Minna: [groaning laughter]
Josie (as Minx): I don’t think we have the space for that.
Kim (as Blaire): No, no we don’t.
Rhi (as Florence): Well, I have a series of questions that will help you determine the perfect pet for the Magpies. So, question one: How much free time do you have to devote to hanging out with a pet?
Josie (as Minx): All of it, it shall accompany me everywhere.
Minna (as Myra): Are there options?
Rhi (as Florence): There are. You’re pretty busy, but you still want something to love and take care of; You’ve got time, but you want a pet that can entertain itself; or So much time! You’re ready to play.
Josie (as Minx): I’m ready to play.
Minna (as Myra): I’m pretty busy
Kim (as Blaire): A pet that can entertain itself is good.
Minna (as Myra): I’d say that’s a good compromise.
Rhi (as Florence): Alright.
Josie (as Minx): An answer for each of us!
Rhi (as Florence): What’s your idea of a perfect Saturday afternoon? Curling up on the couch and reading a book, playing in the park, or swimming?
Kim (as Blaire): Book!
Minna (as Myra): Book!
Josie (as Minx): Hmm. All of those can tickle my fancy. What was the first option again?
Rhi: Curling up on the couch with— so, the actual prompt is “Curling up on the couch and having a Netflix binge-fest?” But Netflix isn’t a thing, so… curling up on the couch with a good book.
[laughter]
Josie (as Minx): Hmm. It’s been a while since I’ve been swimming. I would love to go swimming.
Minna (as Myra): Where do you go swimming that’s pleasant?
Kim (as Blaire): I mean, the docks aren’t so bad, sometimes.
Josie (as Minx): Oh no, never at the docks. It would be in a private residence, and then I could delve into the world of swimsuit fashion! I haven’t been there too often.
Rhi: So which answer do we want to put down for the collective? Two of you picked the “curl up on the couch with a book.” Do you want to go with that?
Josie (as Minx): Sure. [laughs]
Rhi (as Florence): What quality do you appreciate the most in your friends? Independence, loyalty, or low-maintenance?
Josie (as Minx): Loyalty.
Minna (as Myra): Loyalty.
Kim (as Blaire): Mm, loyalty…
Josie (as Minx): I’m very glad we are in agreement on that one.
Rhi: [laughs]
Kim (as Blaire): Well, I mean, isn’t that like the most important thing?
Josie (as Minx): I believe so, which is why I’m glad we agree.
Rhi (as Florence): Finish this sentence. I’m looking for a pet that is… easy to take care of, calm, or fun.
Kim (as Blaire): Fun!
Josie (as Minx): Yes, fun. What is the point, if not fun?
Minna (as Myra): Let’s go with that, then.
Kim: That’s the most Myra answer. Like… “okaaay.”
[laughter]
Rhi (as Florence): Which word best describes you I suppose, as a group? Introverted, chill, or extraverted.
Josie (as Minx): Extraverted.
Kim (as Blaire): Introverted.
Minna (as Myra): Chill, as a compromise?
Rhi (as Florence): Very well.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, indeed. We are the “chill” scoundrels of Duskwall.
Kim (as Blaire): Are we?
Rhi (as Florence): Oh, that’s a PERFECT subtitle for my article.
Kim (as Blaire) and Minna (as Myra): Oh no.
Kim (as Blaire): We can’t have that be the image of us, you guys.
Minna (as Myra): Why did she have to say that?
Josie (as Minx): [sarcastically] Haha ha ha ha ha haaa.
Rhi (as Florence): At a party, you’re usually the one… in the middle of the dance floor with everyone, chatting with a few of your closest friends in a quiet corner, or making everyone laugh with your impressions and funny faces.
Josie (as Minx): I prefer the dance floor.
Minna (as Myra): I guess that’s the closest to where I’d be.
Kim (as Blaire): I— I don’t really feel like I’m any of these.
Josie (as Minx): Oh, then we just need to take you dancing, dear. Let you cut loose!
Kim (as Blaire): Noooo! I don’t like to dance, I’m not good at it.
Josie (as Minx): You don’t need to be good at it, you just need—
Kim (as Blaire): Yes I do!!
Josie (as Minx): —to let it flow through you!
Kim (as Blaire): What!?
Josie (as Minx): If you listen to the music, it’ll simply come to you.
Kim (as Blaire): [dubious whine]
Josie (as Minx): [laughs]
Minna (as Myra): I think I’d be more talking than dancing, but it wouldn’t just be the closest friends, because otherwise what’s the point of a party, right?
Rhi: [laughs] Sorry, this is out-of-character laughing, but just the fact that Minx is the only person who understands the purpose of a party: to go and have fun. Blaire is like, “I’m not going to go unless I’m good at a party,” and Myra’s like “Yeah, parties are a great way to gather intelligence.”
[loud laughter]
Minna: She didn’t say that, exactly, but yeah.
Rhi: That is what you meant!
Josie: This is already the best episode. We’re comedy gold, everyone! We’re comedy gold.
Minna: I’ve been dragged.
Rhi (as Florence): How much money are you willing to spend the first year with your pet? Around $200, around $1000, or $1300 plus?
Minna (as Myra): 200
Kim (as Blaire): A thousand…
Minna (as Myra): Uh, I remind you that we haven’t made a lot of money lately…
Kim (as Blaire): Oh, you haven’t seen what’s in my stash. I’m sittin’ on tons of coin, actually.
Rhi: [laughs]
Josie (as Minx): I as well, actually.
Kim (as Blaire): I could blow a thousand over a year for one pet.
Josie (as Minx): Yes.
Minna (as Myra): Well, as long as you’re willing to take some of that financial burden…
Josie (as Minx): I think that, for modesty’s sake, I will say 1000.
Rhi (as Florence): Alright. According to my calculations of your answers, your perfect pet is a dog.
Kim (as Blaire): What!? Ugh.
Rhi (as Florence): You’re not just looking for a pet, you’re looking for a furry friend. A dog might provide the loyal companionship you’re craving, and would fit well with your personality—
Kim (as Blaire): No!
Rhi (as Florence): —you’re both playful and outgoing, and love being the center of attention.
Kim (as Blaire): They’re so needy.
Josie (as Minx): Well, yes. That is perfect. We can take them out wherever we go. I can take them to events—
Kim (as Blaire): We don’t have a fence!
Josie (as Minx): Maybe you don’t have events.
Kim (as Blaire): What, you have a fence?
Josie (as Minx): Of course! Where do you think I go on a Saturday night?
Minna (as Myra): Where?
Kim (as Blaire): No, no. Listen. Dogs are so needy, okay?
Josie (as Minx): And I have a lot of love to give. You should know this.
Kim (as Blaire): [groans]
Minna (as Myra): Blaire, what were you hoping for?
Kim (as Blaire): …a cat. Or a bat!
Minna (as Myra): Or a rat?
Kim (as Blaire): No, a bat. I mean, rat’s not off the table either. I could do a rat. A bat would also be cool.
Josie (as Minx): What appeal is there in a bat? I mean, they are adorable, but I can’t imagine they’re very active pets.
Minna (as Myra): I mean, I’m not a fan of rats. I was making a bad rhyming joke.
Kim (as Blaire): No, rats are actually super clean! And like, the appeal of bats is they’re like… they’re fuzzy cute little foxies that fly. And they have cute little dragon wings and… it’s just…
Josie (as Minx): I want to disagree, but that may have been the most adorable thing you have said, so I will not.
Minna (as Myra): No, actually, the bat sounds good. I was objecting to rats, even though I was the one who brought it up.
Kim (as Blaire): No, but rats are actually really smart and super clean. They would be good.
Minna (as Myra): I grew up in Charhollow, and that’s not really—
Josie (as Minx): Rats are very different, where we’re from.
Kim (as Blaire): No, I’m not talking about sewer feral rats. I’m talking about, like, rats that are raised to be pets. Those are good rats!
Josie (as Minx): They do that?
Kim (as Blaire): I mean, yeah.
Josie (as Minx): Well, I learned something today.
Minna (as Myra): Same.
Kim (as Blaire): I mean, I’m not opposed to, you know, rescuing one from a really bad situation. If we have to take one from out on the street, that’s fine too.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, but then we’ll likely invite nastiness into our home that a dog will not bring.
Kim (as Blaire): Not if we adopt a dog from the street, though! It’s like the same thing.
Minna (as Myra): To be fair, that sounds exactly like what we would do.
Josie (as Minx): [laughs] I suppose it would not be the first stray we took in.
Rhi (as Florence): It sounds like we’ve already learned an awful lot about the Magpies.
Kim (as Blaire): Oh shit, is this all getting put down?
Rhi (as Florence): Oh yes, that’s why I brought Marcus. He’s going to be copying down everything.
Kim (as Blaire): Everything?
Rhi (as Florence): I’ll edit it for brevity of course, unless I can convince my editor that this should be a multi-part series…
Josie (as Minx): I imagine in the annals of history, this will not be considered of the traditional canon.
Kim (as Blaire): Myra, did you put us down for this?
Minna (as Myra): [stammering] I absolutely did not sign us up for this!
Kim (as Blaire): Minx?
Rhi: I feel like she just dropped at your table at the Hound’s Paw.
[laughter]
Kim (as Blaire): [horrified] Noooo!
Minna (as Myra): I thought that Minx signed us up for this.
Josie (as Minx): [whistling]
Kim (as Blaire): [calling for help] Rigney!
Rhi: Rigney’s out sick today, somebody else is running the bar.
Josie: No, but it was totally Minx.
Minna (as Myra): Sophia!
[laughter]
Rhi: Rigney is out sick today, Sophia has… for some reason, his newest employee has been left in charge of the bar, and I think she is currently standing on a box trying to get something off a high shelf because she is way shorter than Rigney.
Kim (as Blaire): [groans] This is the worst.
Josie (as Minx): I certainly disagree, I am thoroughly enjoying this.
Rhi (as Florence): Oh, that’s wonderful. Well, I have another set of questions for you, and this is about your home. Duskwall, as you know, is home to a number of spirits and ghosts, and it’s very important to know if your home is haunted!
Kim (as Blaire): This is true.
Minna (as Myra): Yes.
Rhi (as Florence): These questions will tell you if there is any kind of haunting occurring in your home.
Josie (as Minx): I think I can save all of us a lot of time there. Blaire exists in our home, therefore there are haunts about.
Kim (as Blaire): [laughs]
Josie (as Minx): You know your house is haunted if Blaire is there.
Minna (as Myra): Although we did make a promise that loose spirits would not be inside our house.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah, no. I don’t let loose spirits in our house. I’m not allowed.
Josie (as Minx): You still keep them in your room, though.
Kim (as Blaire): Well yeah! But, in their jars, you know.
Josie (as Minx): Does that not count as haunting?
Kim (as Blaire): Our house isn’t haunted, by the way. I’ve totally, thoroughly, cleansed it. But go on. Let’s prove a point.
Rhi (as Florence): These are all yes or no questions. Has someone lived in your home before you did?
Josie (as Minx): That’s a good question.
Minna (as Myra): Yes.
Kim (as Blaire): N—really?
Rhi: It’s an abandoned guard tower, canonically.
Minna: Oh wait, it’s a guard tower, so… never mind.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah, so no.
Rhi (as Florence): Alright. Have you ever felt like you’re being watched, when you’re at home?
Josie (as Minx): Yes.
Kim (as Blaire): No. What?
Minna (as Myra): Yes.
Kim (as Blaire): Really?
Minna (as Myra): Mostly because someone put Kevin in the room.
Josie (as Minx): Correct. That’s exactly what I was thinking.
Kim (as Blaire): Oh, see, I’ve gotten so used to Kevin that I don’t even think about it anymore. But… yeah, no. I guess you’re right. I guess that’s a yes.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, it’s not a bad feeling. Kevin is a welcoming presence.
Rhi (as Florence): Have you felt a sudden temperature drop with no explanation in one room?
Kim (as Blaire): No.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, but I fixed that draft.
Rhi (as Florence): Well then it’s not with no explanation! That HAS an explanation.
Josie (as Minx): Ah, I see.
Rhi (as Florence): How about a sudden temperature increase?
Kim and Minna: No.
Josie (as Minx): I assume with no explanation? Then no.
Rhi (as Florence): The lights have flickered more than once in a room within a few minutes.
Josie (as Minx): When that happens, I just assume Blaire is up to some experiment.
Minna (as Myra): Yeah.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah, but that’s not without explanation, you know? That’s not always supernatural.
Rhi (as Florence): This one isn’t “without explanation,” it just says “have they flickered more than once in a room within—”
Minna (as Myra): Yes.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah, I guess so.
Rhi (as Florence): Alright. Your electroplasmic lights seem to blow out more often than they should.
Kim (as Blaire): Hmmm, no. Have they blown out for you guys?
Josie (as Minx): I keep them pretty well replaced. Lighting is important to the feeling of the space.
Rhi (as Florence): Well, this next question is a “no” since we have already determined you do not currently have a pet. The question is “If you have a pet, do they sometimes stare at nothing in particular,” but you don’t have one… You’ve suddenly woken up between 3:00 and 4:00 AM?
Josie (as Minx): Yes.
Kim (as Blaire): I mean, sometimes I’m awake anyway…
Josie (as Minx): Blaire, you should sleep on off nights.
Kim (as Blaire): I sleep when my eyes close?
Josie (as Minx): That’s not the healthiest way to arrive there. You should—
Kim (as Blaire): I’m busy.
Josie (as Minx): I imagine so.
Rhi (as Florence): Have you felt confused or lost, walking around your home?
All: No.
Rhi (as Florence): Have you seen strange, inexplicable shadows?
Josie (as Minx): Yes
Kim (as Blaire): In the home? No.
Minna (as Myra): Not inexplicable.
Kim (as Blaire): Not in the Nest, no.
Rhi (as Florence): You’ve felt like you were being touched by an unseen hand.
Kim (as Blaire): [giggles] Um.
Josie (as Minx): Indeed, that seems like a rather rude question.
Minna (as Myra): [laughs] I assume this is also… a hand that you can’t explain.
Rhi (as Florence): Yes, it would not be that you are s— it is an unseen hand that you cannot explain.
Kim (as Blaire): I— no, I guess no.
Josie (as Minx): I have not.
Rhi (as Florence): Have you ever experienced unexplained smells, like perfume, flowers, or cigars?
Minna (as Myra): Yes.
Kim (as Blaire): Really?
Minna (as Myra): I think sometimes air moves strangely around the Nest. I’m gonna go ahead and blame some of it on Minx’s room existing.
Josie (as Minx): Oh come now, I try to keep my things confined—
Minna (as Myra): Perfume is on the list!
Josie (as Minx): [sighs]
Rhi (as Florence): It’s an unexplained smell. Coming out of your colleague’s room is an explanation.
Minna (as Myra): I think you’ll find that one can find a rational explanation for many things that others would say were signs of haunting that don’t turn into anything.
Josie (as Minx): Correct. And like I said, Blaire simply present doesn’t mean it’s not supernatural or ghostly. It just means there’s an explanation.
Rhi (as Florence): You’ve suddenly felt a great sense of sadness, walking into a particular room.
Kim (as Blaire): Yes.
Josie (as Minx): Indeed.
Minna (as Myra): Really?
Kim (as Blaire): I mean… don’t you just kinda get sad sometimes?
Minna (as Myra): I guess so. I guess I just wouldn’t have associated it with a room.
Josie (as Minx): I go back and forth, but yes I have felt this.
Kim (as Blaire): I don’t know if I associate it with a room either. Aw geez, now I don’t know.
Minna (as Myra): Let’s go with yes.
Rhi (as Florence): Alright. Have you had a sudden mood change, like getting inexplicably angry, walking into a particular room?
Minna (as Myra): [chuckles] Not inexplicably.
Kim (as Blaire): What do you mean?
Minna (as Myra): I mean, I can remember some of Minx’s rages, early on, with Kevin.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, but I’ve grown to accept Kevin for who they are.
Minna (as Myra): In fact, mine too! I remember the time someone put it in front of my door.
[laughter]
Josie (as Minx): What I think this quiz is determining is that the nest is haunted, by Kevin.
Minna (as Myra): Yes, I’m sorry, apparently that’s what it’s coming to.
Rhi (as Florence): There are inexplicable stains on the floor or ceiling, larger than the size of your hand.
Josie (as Minx): I surely hope not!
Minna (as Myra) and Kim (as Blaire): Not inexplicably…
Minna (as Myra): …but they exist.
Josie (as Minx): Where! Where?
Kim (as Blaire): You don’t know what my room looks like.
Josie (as Minx): Are you allowing stains to accumulate in your room?
Kim (as Blaire): Not on purpose!
Minna (as Myra): There’s one in my room, but it’s been there longer than we have.
Josie (as Minx): You just haven’t let me at it yet.
Kim (as Blaire): [threateningly] Don’t clean my room. Don’t do it!
Josie (as Minx): I am respecting your space but I am ready to do it when you inevitably ask for it.
Kim (as Blaire): [groans]
Minna (as Myra): I mean, if you can get the stain off the floor I’ll let you in there tomorrow.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, I will be there tomorrow, prepped for battle.
Kim (as Blaire): But…!
Minna (as Myra): No, in my room, not yours, Blaire.
Kim (as Blaire): Oh! Oh oh oh. Okay, okay.
Josie (as Minx): If we’re allowing stains to accumulate in the nest, we’re failing our security.
Kim (as Blaire): Security?
Josie (as Minx): Yes, well, I’m being flippant, dear but…
Minna (as Myra): So our home does have some strange stains in it, although I would assume it’s to do with it being a building that was in use before us.
Rhi (as Florence): Household objects sometimes go missing but then suddenly reappear in a different place.
Minna (as Myra): [laughs] yes.
Josie (as Minx): It is easier to count the days in which this does not happen.
Rhi (as Florence): Intriguing.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah, I mean. Kevin exists, so…
Josie (as Minx): Yes, Kevin alone satisfies this, but everything else as well.
Minna: I love that none of us have explained what Kevin is to this journalist.
[laughter]
Rhi (as Florence): Have you heard a door close when you’re the only one home.
Kim (as Blaire): Yes.
Minna (as Myra): You have?
Josie (as Minx): Oh, you have? I thought I was the only one.
Kim (as Blaire): Oh… you’ve heard it too?
Minna (as Myra): I thought it was drafts.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, I simply chalked it up to something like a draft.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah I always thought it was—you know, at first because someone else was home. But then it turned out it wasn’t, so I kind of just shrugged it off like, “eh, old building!” Sounds happen.
Rhi (as Florence): Have you seen a door close when you’re the only one there.
All: No.
Rhi (as Florence): Alright, so… according to my calculations, your house might be haunted. There’s a decent chance your place is haunted—it’s not totally clear, so you may need more expert advice than what I can provide.
Kim (as Blaire): It’s not haunted.
Minna (as Myra): Blaire—
Kim (as Blaire): It’s not!! It’s not.
Minna (as Myra): Okay.
Josie (as Minx): Depends on your definition of haunted.
Rhi (as Florence): It sounds as though this “Kevin” is an intriguing entity that haunts your home in some respect.
Kim (as Blaire): He doesn’t haunt the home.
Josie (as Minx): Kevin is a friend.
Minna (as Myra): Yeah, no. Kevin’s fine.
Josie (as Minx): A member of the family!
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah! He’s family.
Rhi (as Florence): Oh! Well then you should’ve brought them along.
[laughter]
Minna (as Myra): That would be rather difficult.
Josie (as Minx): Kevin is ill-suited to travel.
Kim (as Blaire): He’s, uh, immobile?
Minna (as Myra): Hmm, not immobile, just limited mobility.
Kim (as Blaire): Yes. That makes more sense.
Rhi (as Florence): Oh! Well, that makes sense then.
[laughter]
Kim: [through her laughter] Jesus Christ.
Minna: I think this journalist now thinks we have an Uncle Kevin who goes around in a wheelchair or something.
Rhi: Yeah, no, it’s fine.
Kim: Is it?
Rhi (as Florence): Alright, so… rumors have indicated that there are some intriguing happenings going on with the romantic entanglements of the Magpies.
Josie (as Minx): Oh really?
Rhi (as Florence): Oh yes! I have a series of questions here to determine if your significant other is also haunted!
Josie (as Minx): Oh dear! Well, for the sake of humor, I will engage in this.
Kim (as Blaire): Oh jeez.
Josie: Did Myra and Blaire just share a look?
Minna (as Myra): [laughs] Yes.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah, definitely.
[laughter, excited overtalk]
Minna: Does Myra know that Blaire knows?
Kim: Oh, Blaire knows.
Rhi: No. No, but they don’t know that the other knows.
Kim: Ohhh.
Josie: Oh dear.
Rhi: Blaire and Myra both know but—
Minna: So, they both look individually skeptical.
Kim: Right, right.
Rhi (as Florence): Question one. Is your significant other good about replying to your letters?
Josie (as Minx): Yes, very prompt. I daresay she might be better at writing them than I am.
Rhi (as Florence): It’s date night. Where does your significant other want to go? To a play, a restaurant, stay in, or to the cemetery?
Josie (as Minx): Well, we have not yet gone on a date in the cemetery… it would be more a play.
Rhi (as Florence): What do their kisses feel like? Nice?—this is a gross question, which I think is an unfair critique—We don’t kiss, or Of a coldest ice?
Josie (as Minx): Nice. I would like to embellish it more than that, but those are the options I am given.
Rhi (as Florence): You had a bad day. What does your significant other do? Tries to cheer you up, Brings you food, Gives you a hug, Explodes into a million spiders?
[laughter]
Josie (as Minx): Um…
Minna (as Myra): Who wrote this quiz?
Josie (as Minx): I feel as though these questions are a bit weighted towards particular results in an obvious fashion.
Rhi (as Florence): Which answer do you feel is most correct?
Josie (as Minx): You know what? Let’s go with the spiders one, in the interest of fairness.
Minna: Wait, nooo! Which… which one are we—
Josie (as Minx): That is absolutely baffling, but I feel that at least one of these must be that answer.
Rhi (as Florence): Have you met their family? Yes; No; Some of them; Yes, but they say they’ve been dead for 30 years.
Kim and Minna: [laugh]
Kim (as Blaire): This quiz is great!
Josie (as Minx): No…
Rhi (as Florence): Are you ever looking in the mirror and your significant other’s reflection appears behind you, and you turn around and no one else is there? All the time; What? Never; Eh, it only happened once.
Josie (as Minx): Is it weird to say that this happens all the time? I usually find it to be just a more romantic fancy, rather than a sign of haunting…
Rhi (as Florence): Finally, do portraits of your significant other ever look like this?
Rhi: She gestures to Marcus who dutifully holds up a picture of a horrifying ghostly spirit face.
Kim (as Blaire): [cackles]
Josie (as Minx): Oh dear gods, no!
Rhi (as Florence): I have good news for you! According to my calculations, your significant other is not a ghost.
Josie (as Minx): Oh dear. Yes, that is good to hear. The spiders phenomenon is simply an isolated quirk of our relationship.
Minna (as Myra): Such a scientific way of determining whether one’s significant other is a ghost.
Kim (as Blaire): It would be hard to date a ghost. I don’t know if I’m cut out for it. They’re good friends, but I don’t know if they’re good relationship material, you know what I mean?
Josie (as Minx): I mean, I agree, but if anyone is cut out for it, it is you dear.
Kim (as Blaire): [dubious laugh] I barely even know if I’m cut out for real people. Not that ghosts aren’t real people!! I’m talking about living people. Sorry, I phrased that wrong.
Rhi: [chuckles] Marcus is writing down everything you say.
Kim (as Blaire): Noooo! What? Are we putting this out somewhere? Why is he writing down everything?
Rhi (as Florence): Well of course dear, it’s going to be published in Rumordish: Duskwall’s premier resource for scandal and gossip.
Josie (as Minx): Of course!
Kim (as Blaire): Oh…
Josie (as Minx): Don’t you want to be in the papers?
Kim (as Blaire): Eh.
Rhi (as Florence): You’ve been in the papers so much already! But none of those articles ever get to know the real Magpies. This exposé certainly will.
Josie (as Minx): Ooh!
Rhi (as Florence): Alright. This next set of questions come from a Mr. James D’Amato who published a pamphlet entitled The Ultimate RPG Character Backstory Guide, which… I don’t really understand what any of that means, but it contains a number of wonderful questions and prompts to learn more about the people around you, so…
Minna (as Myra): Do you do this at dinner parties?
Rhi (as Florence): Of course, why wouldn’t you?
Josie (as Minx): This almost seems metaphysical in some nature.
Rhi: [stifled laughter] Shh!!
Josie (as Minx): [giggles]
Rhi (as Florence): Let’s start with Minx. What object do you have that is part of an old superstition you were taught when you were young, something that you hold onto even though the superstition has proven to be untrue.
Josie (as Minx): Oh, well… in my youth, associating with the friends I had, it was common to have a bent nail formed into a ring for good luck that you might keep around. These cast-off bits were— I don’t really understand the rationale behind the superstition, but I feel more secure with at least a ring of some sort on my person.
Rhi (as Florence): Hm, interesting. Alright, Blaire. Here’s one for you. When first venturing out on your own, you grabbed this item. It seemed like something useful you would need on your journey. You’re still waiting for the perfect opportunity to pull it out.
Kim (as Blaire): Yes. When I first left my home it was to go to school in Doskvol. My mom is really sweet; she gave me this little handbook of like… Top 100 Things You Have To Do In Doskvol Before You Die, but like… I was there to study and not be a tourist, so… I don’t know where that book went.
Rhi (as Florence): Well, I would say that maybe you could work on writing the thrilling sequel of… 100 Things To Do In Duskwall After You’re Dead.
Kim (as Blaire): [excited gasp] That’s genius actually!!
Rhi (as Florence): And Myra. You purchased this item intending to learn how to use it. You keep putting off that learning experience. Now, throwing it away would be admitting that you’ll never gain that skill.
Josie (as Minx): Myra, putting off a learning experience?
Minna (as Myra): [laughs] Oh, let me think. There’s always more things to learn, you know?
Minna: Give me a second out of character to think about this.
Rhi: Yeah, no problem.
Josie (as Minx): I’m sad that there’s no way to justify this in canon.
Rhi: Well, I think it’ll be… we’ll treat it kind of like the Dear Mynock letters in Campaign, which were—
Minna: —in character, but not really canon?
Rhi: Yeah. The idea that they were running an advice podcast while on the run from the Empire was not true, but the information that was shared in them, where if somebody would say, like, “Oh yeah, this thing happened to me!” —that thing is true. So like, the stuff that you’re sharing here is true of your character, but this incident didn’t happen, is basically what it is. For all you fanfic writers out there… that’s how to determine the canon of this information.
Kim: We dont… we haven’t gotten fic writers yet, though.
Rhi: We don’t have fanfic writers yet, but I’m hopeful! Listen. Someday, somebody’s going to write fic for this, and that will… I will die of joy.
Minna: Yes. Back into character?
Rhi: Yes.
Minna (as Myra): I have a pair of shoes that I got to try to learn dancing, many years ago. It was not successful; we ended up determining that somebody else should take those jobs. But it seems a little bit silly to throw them out when they could still be useful someday, maybe.
Josie (as Minx): Myra? I am offended that you have not told me about this before.
Minna (as Myra): It was before I knew you.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, but you do NOW, and have you not seen how magnificent of a dancer I am?
Minna (as Myra): Yes, but I—
Josie (as Minx): I can teach you!
Minna (as Myra): But I tried very hard, and I was not very good at it.
Josie (as Minx): It’s not… Like I said, it’s not necessarily about being good. I mean, you can be good, but I would love to show you some time, is what I’m saying.
Minna (as Myra): It would probably be a useful skill to learn. I’ve tried, but it’s probably worth trying again.
Josie (as Minx): Indeed, useful. But also fun, which I think is the more important aspect of it.
Minna (as Myra): Maybe it is.
Josie (as Minx): And I think it’s fate. This is the second time we’ve circled around to this subject. I need to take both of you out dancing, I think.
Kim (as Blaire): No!
Rhi and Josie: [laugh]
Rhi (as Florence): I think that sounds like a marvelous idea. It would make for an excellent follow-up to this article.
Josie (as Minx): See? Vindication.
Rhi (as Florence): Right. So, no doubt you have seen the numerous wanted posters with your faces and names on them around the city, but let’s be real… they’re not very creative. Let’s work together to outdo the Bluecoats and design your own wanted poster—what you would want to have on it.
Kim (as Blaire): Really?
Rhi (as Florence): Oh yes!
Minna (as Myra): This feels like entrapment.
Rhi: [laughs loudly]
Kim (as Blaire): I don’t know if I’m down to clown with this.
Josie (as Minx): This could be fun! Like, we obviously won’t be describing the portrait, but we can certainly do the framework. Those posters are quite dreadful.
Kim (as Blaire): We shouldn’t be doing this now!
[Rhi is still laughing]
Minna: I’m so glad that I saved that line for a reason.
Rhi: [whispering] It’s really good. I’m crying a little bit.
Rhi (as Florence): Alright, so. What is at least one crime that somebody outside of your group would claim that you’re guilty of?
Josie (as Minx): …but we are not.
Rhi (as Florence): Eh, I mean, it could be either way.
Josie (as Minx): I am beginning to share Myra’s reservations.
Minna (as Myra): [laughs]
Rhi (as Florence): I have a list here, if you would like to hear the options.
Minna (as Myra): Yes, please go ahead and read the list.
Rhi (as Florence): Murder, breaking and entering, theft, grand theft, arson, vandalism, breach of contract, fraud, identity theft.
Josie (as Minx): Oh, breach of contract for me, I imagine.
Kim (as Blaire): I guess. That sounds pretty typical for us, maybe.
Josie (as Minx): I can think of at least one person who would try to throw that in my face.
Minna (as Myra): I can think of people who would try to throw that in our faces, but I think one thing you can say about us is that we keep our promises.
Josie (as Minx): Indeed.
Rhi (as Florence): So that would be one thing that you would be unjustly framed for.
Josie (as Minx): Correct!
Rhi (as Florence): The poster would list each member of your group with a title or a nickname. Let’s come up with some sort of fun nickname for each of you. I have some examples here if you need some starting prompts.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, let’s hear them, although I have an idea.
Rhi (as Florence): The Unbreakable, Fancy-shoes, Silvertongue, Shadowborn, Big Chief, Hot Lips, Wild Card…
Josie (as Minx): Pardon me a moment… Hot Lips?
Rhi (as Florence): Yes.
Josie (as Minx): Al—alright.
Kim (as Blaire): Shadowborn sounds pretty edgy. I like it.
Minna (as Myra): I would’ve gone for “Silvertongue” for you, Minx.
Josie (as Minx): Oh! I suppose that makes sense, I was gonna go for “The Magnificent,” but…
Minna (as Myra): [laughs]
Kim (as Blaire): I mean, that’s also on-brand.
Rhi (as Florence): You could do both: The Magnificent Silvertongue.
Josie (as Minx): [thoughtfully] The Magnificent Silvertongue! Yes, that works.
Rhi (as Florence): We’ve got one.
Kim (as Blaire): Can I do Shadowborn? That sounds really emo.
Minna (as Myra): That sounds fitting for you, as well.
Josie (as Minx): Indeed.
Kim (as Blaire): It does? I mean… if people keep confusing me of being a demon, I may as well own up to it, right?
Minna (as Myra): Do people really accuse you of that?
Kim (as Blaire): Some people in Duskwall are kinda closed-minded about Tycherosi, so…
Minna (as Myra): Mm. Well, you’re not a demon, we know that much.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah! No! But that doesn’t stop people from thinking that I am.
Minna (as Myra): Shadowhorn sounds pretty good though.
Kim (as Blaire): Shadowborn sounds pretty metal. I like it.
Josie (as Minx): That has that edge.
Minna (as Myra): Actually… I quite like Unbreakable.
Rhi (as Florence): Alright, so it would be… Myra Keel the Unbreakable; Blaire Culhane, Shadowborn; and Minx, the Magnificent Silvertongue. I love it. This is going to be a wonderful poster!
Finally, this group is considered… pick two off this list: Armed, Dangerous, Heretical, Seditious, Treasonous, or A threat to the public.
Kim (as Blaire): We’ve… been called a lot of those, I think.
Josie (as Minx): I do believe we are technically treasonous.
Kim (as Blaire): I guess.
Minna (as Myra): I don’t think that we would tell a journalist that that is undeniably a true thing about us.
Josie (as Minx): Well, that’s why I said “technically.”
Minna (as Myra): I don’t think that’s what “technically” means.
Josie (as Minx): Yes, well, I don’t believe we would actually be answering any of these questions for a journalist, you see.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah, I was just about to say. We shouldn’t be telling anything to journalists!
Rhi (as Florence): I’m just going to put you down for “armed and dangerous,” how does that sound?
Josie (as Minx): A classic, yes. Let’s do that.
Rhi (as Florence): Wonderful. I’ll have a copy of the poster sent over here so that you can see it first.
Kim (as Blaire): No thank you.
Minna (as Myra): We didn’t want a poster.
Kim (as Blaire): We don’t want anything.
Rhi (as Florence): For this next question, I’m going to ask you all to dream big and imagine that you are attending a ball or gala or some other fine event in Brightstone or Whitecrown. Obviously, to attend such an event you must dress in formal attire. So for each of you, we’re going to go through and answer some questions and design the perfect outfit.
Josie (as Minx): I don’t believe I need a series of questions to determine my perfect outfit, but I’ll restrain myself til last.
Rhi (as Florence): First question for each of you: What is the basic style of this outfit? A suit, a dress, a robe, a uniform, or something completely unique.
Kim (as Blaire): A suit.
Josie (as Minx): There is not enough context to make this decision! I’m partial to suits myself, but a uniform has its place, a dress has its place… I imagine I would not be caught wearing a robe at any time.
Minna (as Myra): I’ll take a dress.
Rhi (as Florence): Minx, what would you think is… for the ideal party for you to be attending, what would your ideal outfit be?
Josie (as Minx): Hmm. A suit, I suppose.
Rhi (as Florence): What does the outfit convey? You can each pick two off this list: I am beautiful, I am powerful, I am charming, I am dangerous, I am wise, I am just, I am frightening, I don’t care about any of this.
Josie (as Minx): I would say, “I am charming and powerful.” It’s the safest option, going in the dark as we are.
Rhi (as Florence): How about the other two? What do you think you’d want your outfit to convey?
Kim (as Blaire): Eh, I think I’ve picked mine… I’m dangerous and I don’t care about any of this.
[laughter]
Minna (as Myra): I think I am charming and wise.
Josie (as Minx): Both truths.
Rhi (as Florence): For colors, tell me about two primary colors in your ensemble and one accent color.
Josie (as Minx): I primarily use blue as a primary color with either green or an off-white or peach, and then gold as an accent.
Rhi (as Florence): Ah, lovely.
Kim (as Blaire): I mean… if I’m wearing a suit I would probably just be wearing black, right?
Josie (as Minx): Well, I mean, it’s a classic.
Rhi (as Florence): And it would definitely convey your dangerous air.
Kim (as Blaire): I guess!
Minna (as Myra): Dark green and black, and I think red’s generally a good accent for that.
Rhi (as Florence): Ooh, that would be very striking.
Josie (as Minx): Indeed.
Kim (as Blaire): Purple or green would also be cool as an accent.
Josie (as Minx): Purple would be very suitable for you, I think.
Rhi (as Florence): For the next element, pick a striking facet of your outfit that emphasizes your movement. It can be the way the fabric drapes and flows, or how certain details catch the light…
Kim (as Blaire): Huh?
Josie (as Minx): Well, I am partial to coat tails, although not necessarily in the traditional fashion. More… forming them into a sort of drapery or skirt.
Rhi (as Florence): Ooh! That would be a very good look on you.
Josie (as Minx): Of course.
Kim (as Blaire): I— I don’t really know.
Rhi (as Florence): Well, I see that you are wearing a cape currently. Is that something you would want to have incorporated into your formalwear?
Kim (as Blaire): Uh… If I could. It does a good job of hiding my jars.
Josie (as Minx): You definitely can. Make it an accent color, it will be quite striking on a black suit.
Kim (as Blaire): I guess.
Rhi (as Florence): Oh, a black suit and cape with a brightly-colored lining? That would be quite a look.
Josie (as Minx): Indeed. We need to make this for you now, dear.
Kim (as Blaire): As long as it’s practical!
Josie (as Minx): Looking good is practical.
Rhi (as Florence): What about you, Myra?
Minna (as Myra): I think that it would have to be the skirt that moves. I prefer to be able to move in a skirt. So probably, that flares.
Rhi (as Florence): Wonderful. Oh, this is painting such a beautiful picture.
Kim (as Blaire): Is it?
Josie (as Minx): I should hope so.
Rhi (as Florence): How does your outfit shine? Pick something on your outfit to catch the light—jewelry or gemstones… your whole outfit could sparkle if you so wish.
Kim (as Blaire): I have a ghost jar on me, and it glows. Does that count?
Rhi (as Florence): Certainly!
Josie (as Minx): It does quite literally glow and sparkle! I like to mix it up. I generally go for earrings or bracelets, although I like to keep the top of my cane polished.
Rhi (as Florence): Ooh! Many points of shine from your outfit. How about you Myra?
Minna (as Myra): I think just a glint at the throat, with whatever button holds it closed. Maybe the cuffs as well.
Rhi (as Florence): Very simple. I like it. Now, one of the key items in any outfit that ties it all together… accessories!
Kim (as Blaire): [whines]
Rhi (as Florence): What kind of accessories would you have to accompany your outfit? A scarf, a hat, a weapon that you use to dress up your ensemble?
Josie (as Minx): [chuckles] Yes, when I’m wearing a suit I always have my cane present, which doubles as a weapon. Have to keep things disguised for politeness, you know. I am not partial to hats, but I do keep my braid kept with a decorative band. And then, only on my left hand, the bracelets and then sometimes I have a watch chain for my pocket.
Kim (as Blaire): I have a knife!
Rhi (as Florence): Well, that certainly would convey “dangerous!”
Josie (as Minx): A ceremonial knife would not be too out of place.
Kim (as Blaire): No, it’s not ceremonial.
Josie (as Minx): Ah, yes. Well, that might be rather difficult to make work at a party.
Kim (as Blaire): [stumbling to find a word]
Rhi (as Florence): Well, with the appropriate sheath, anything can be dressed up.
Josie (as Minx): Indeed. Shine it up and peace-bond it.
Kim (as Blaire): Alright! I mean, well, it’s one of those bodice knives?
Josie (as Minx): Ooh! Now that has a few more fashion applications.
Rhi (as Florence): How about you, Myra?
Minna (as Myra): I’ve always liked the look of lace at your throat. It’s never been something that I was able to add to an outfit, but I’m sure that I like that look.
Rhi (as Florence): And I’m sure that you could absolutely pull it off.
Now, the last question, because you’ve answered the question about anticipating combat and how to prepare yourselves, so you’ve already incorporated weaponry into most of your outfits… Not every person is at ease in formal settings, but even if you are uncomfortable in this setting or even the outfit, there’s something about your clothes that distinctly matches your personality. It could be related to your work, a reference to your deeds, or an expression of a theme that captures your essence. What do you think that would look like?
Josie (as Minx): Are we limited to just one answer here?
Rhi (as Florence): Oh, no! The sky is the limit.
Josie (as Minx): Ah, yes. Well, I do try to add an element of movement—hence the coattails—I prefer suits much better to move around in, but we must accent that movement, otherwise it looks rather… static. Something to sweep about and draw the eye, which can serve a variety of purposes. And then, of course, my hair is kept up to remain out of my eyes. The cane can be both defense and a manner of drawing attention… you would be surprised how much the simple clicking on a ballroom floor stands out.
Rhi (as Florence): Oh, indeed. It can be quite alluring and interesting. It draws the eye, you’re quite right, there.
Kim (as Blaire): I mean… it’s not very flashy, and I can move around in it, but it still fits the attire of the event. Does that count?
Rhi (as Florence): I would say so.
Kim (as Blaire): Because I’ll only go if I have to, like if we’re doing a score or something? Like that art auction score, do you guys remember that?
Minna (as Myra): Yeah.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah! I only went because, you know, we had to.
Josie (as Minx): You did not have fun?
Kim (as Blaire): Uh… I mean, I guess in the end I did kinda have fun, but it wasn’t because of the nature of the party or because of what I was wearing. It was because of what happened.
Josie (as Minx): I suppose that might be true. Although I imagine taking more of an eye to what you are wearing might enhance these things.
Kim (as Blaire): Would it?
Josie (as Minx): Indeed. It is great to break down and analyze what everyone else is wearing and have that attention drawn to you. It’s fulfilling.
Kim: Blaire just needs to go on Queer Eye.
[laughter]
Minna: We both do.
Kim: She needs a Fab Five makeover.
Rhi: I think that’s what Minx is— I mean if I recall correctly from the art auction, that is literally what happened. The two of you showed up at Minx’s tailor and Minx was like, “Yes, my moment has come!”
Kim: Yeah.
Minna: As I recall, Myra didn’t get a particularly good result.
Rhi: No, no she didn’t. But for now, on Myra’s dream outfit…
Minna (as Myra): I suppose that… enough people have called me things like “stern” and “teacherly” that I think it would have to convey that as well. Just very severe lines, dark colors, high-necked, because I don’t usually wear anything that isn’t.
Rhi (as Florence): Ooh, with a lace collar or cravat sort of over the high-necked collar? That would be wonderful. The three of you would make a perfect picture, and it is such a shame that if any of you were to set foot in such a ball you would immediately be arrested. Because, ah, I would love to see it!
Josie (as Minx): You might be surprised at that.
Kim (as Blaire): Can we go now?
Rhi (as Florence): Oh! But— I, I have so many more questions to ask you!
Rhi: And she pulls out another sheaf of paper.
Kim (as Blaire): I think we’ve given you more than enough information that you’re going to put out into the public about us.
Minna: [holding back a laugh] Can I try to snatch Marcus’ notes as we leave?
Rhi: Yeah.
[laughter]
Rhi (as Florence): But— but— I only have enough for a two-part series right now! That’s not even a series! That’s just a duology.
Josie (as Minx): Oh, don’t even worry. Our story isn’t finished yet.
Minna: I think as they’re leaving, she passes by Marcus and her hand just like… shoots out, and she grabs the sheaf of notes out of his hands and she clutches it to her chest like, “Have a nice night, now!”
Rhi: He doesn’t resist it at all. Behind you as you all depart, you just hear “But— nooo! My storyyy!” And so, even though the story was not published, the Magpies all learned a lot about each other.
Kim: I almost feel bad.
Josie: It’s for the best.