Transcribed by Michelle Kelly (@Michellicopter)
Minna: I think the only thing that worries me is my stress level, honestly. [laughs] But I—
Josie: Oh, you’re talking about the game, I thought you were just talking about real life.
Rhi: [laughs]
Minna: No, the fact that I have three points of stress out of… one, two tree, four…
Rhi: Out of nine.
Minna: Out of nine.
Rhi: I think it’s nine.
##
Rhi: For these pilot episodes, um—
Kim: Can we not die?
Rhi: Uh— well, yeah. I’m not gonna kill you guys, necessarily. I mean, if you do something really catastrophically stupid, I might not be able to help you, but…
Madge: Challenge accepted.
##
Rhi: That… that works, yeah. You can— I kinda figured that you’d given him some extra information.
Minna: [simultaneously] Yeah, no, I just wanted to let you know that I told him.
Rhi: Yeah.
Minna: I not— it’s a good idea. [laughs]
Rhi: Okay. Yeah, yeah, you are being straight with him. Um… which is—
Josie: Never straight, only forwards.
Rhi: [laughs] Good point.
Josie: [laughs]
##
Kim (as Blaire): That sounds awesome!
Josie (as Minx): That does sound like a delightful evening of tea.
Minna: [laughs]
Josie: Glowing tea.
Madge: This week on Magpies, the game gets super high. [laughs]
Kim (as Blaire): Let’s get lit!
Rhi: [laughs]
##
Kim (as Blaire): That’s kinda messed up.
Josie (as Minx): [stammers] Oh, come on.
Kim (as Blaire): Minx.
Josie: [laughs]
Josie (as Minx): What, I didn’t know. Could you blame me?
Kim (as Blaire): Yes, I’m blaming you right now!
Josie (as Minx): Well, that seems very unfair of you. I did apologize.
Madge (as Phin): People aren’t obligated to accept apologies.
Josie (as Minx): True enough. But there’s also no reason to get on my case about it. Hey, so where are we headed?
##
Rhi: Um, yeah. So, got a little bit of information out of him.
Minna: Why is he the most relatable character to me?
Josie and Rhi: [laugh]
Rhi (as Aurelia): A frazzled, overworked nerd.
Minna: Yeah…. [laughs]
Josie: That doesn’t sound familiar at all.
Minna: I don’t know them.
Josie: Anyway, I wanna—
Rhi: There’s a reason I can embody him so fully.
##
Madge: Would I know them by taste?
Rhi: No, I don’t think it’s that distinctive—
Madge: Yeah. Um, but like, I can tell it’s pitch though, right?
Josie: I love that one of your first instincts was to eat pitch.
Madge: Yep.
Rhi: God, you just taste this, this won’t go badly.
Minna: Just put it in your mouth like a baby, so you can understand the world.
Madge: Man. I like how I thought, like, “Oh, I can play Phin like a batman character. She can be… she can investigate.” No, she can’t!
Rhi: [laughs]
Josie: [laughs]
Madge: With her zero dice in any sort of insight.
##
Rhi: Every time a player says that it can’t possibly get worse, the GM grows more powerful.
Minna: The thing is the last score was worse than this, so it can very much get worse.
Rhi: Yeah, I was gonna say, you guys are very early in this score yet, so like…
##
Rhi: You guys get shot so damn much.
Minna: [laughs]
Madge: Wow, I wonder whose fault that is!
Minna: There’s so many guns in this world.
Madge: Why do people shoot at us? I don’t know, it’s almost like there’s an omnipotent creature choosing to have people fire guns at us. I don’t know.
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: I mean, you guys need to roll better is really what it is.
Madge: Shut up! [laughs]
[laughter]
Kim: Maybe if we were allowed to use real dice and not a cheating robot.
Madge: Robot hates us.
Rhi: I’m sorry you don’t like the dice bot.
Madge: He hates us.
Rhi: I just don’t want to edit—
Minna: To be fair, I feel like we feel like this about every dice bot out there. Because this is at least the second one.
Rhi: That’s true.
Madge: No, this one— I have not rolled above a 5 all night. [laughs]
##
Rhi: Remember how at the beginning of the session I was like “You guys should really spend rep to deal with your stress,” and—
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: “Nah, this’ll be fine!”
Madge: And I also learned not to say “This can’t get any worse.” So…
Rhi: Mm hmm.
Minna: Oh my God. Yeah.
Rhi: Yeah.
##
Josie: I am not used to playing such a total bitch, but this came out.
Minna: You don’t need to apologize, Josie.
Kim: It is also alien to play someone who hates art, so…
Josie: Fair enough.
Rhi: Everyone is stretching their wings, here.
Josie: I dread the fact that I’ve set up that I’ll have to, like, come up with bullshit stupid things to say about art instead of what, like, I actually think of abstract art. [laughs]
##
Josie: And if we can get into, like, a party at their place, that would be awesome.
Minna: [whispers] Oh my gosh, yes.
Rhi: [laughs]
Minna: Sorry. [laughs]
Rhi: I just heard the, “[gasps] Fancy party heist!”
Minna: Look, they’re my favorites! You know this. [laughs]
##
Rhi: And you’re— one of you is gonna have to say something quickly, cause ghosts typically are not friendly. Blaire thinks they’re friendly. They’re not friendly.
Kim (as Blaire): They’re friends.
Minna: [laughs]
Josie: Aww.
Rhi: No, they are hungry for your life essence.
##
Madge: One of us could get arrested by the Inspectors and, uh, when Minx comes to bail us out, Minx could also… possibly break in and get information?
Minna: That sounds like an expensive and dangerous plan to me. [laughs]
Josie: Yeah.
Rhi: That’s— that sounds like a Leenik plan.
Kim: Oh boy.
Minna: Is it just—[crosstalk]
Josie: I’d rather none of us end up in cells, even voluntarily.
##
Madge: And I leave. [laughs]
Josie: [laughs] Oh my God.
Kim: Oh my God.
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: They— they…
Kim: That’s the best you can do?
Rhi: She—[laughs] I dunno, she did very well throughout that whole exchange.
Minna: Still crying.
Josie: How about I stare at you instead?
Rhi: Yeah. [laughs]
Minna: For the record, the uniform is still under my arm.
Rhi: Oh God. Okay, so…
##
Josie (as Minx): Well excuse him, I’m the most tasteful friend to have, thank you very much.
Rhi: [laughs]
Minna: He didn’t say tasteful, he said loyal.
Rhi: Yeah.
Minna: Is what his implication was.
Josie: But he said you have terrible taste in friends. So, I’m like “Excuse you. Her friendship is in very good taste, I think.”
[laughter]
Rhi: “Have you seen my outfit?”
Minna: The worst thing is that Bazso and Myra seem to have very similar taste in the—
Rhi: Yeah, like, that would be kind—
Minna: [laughs]
Rhi: It would be kind of hilarious if Baszo and Myra end up becoming friends.
Josie (as Minx): Yep.
Minna: We have a lot in common, it’s not funny. [laughs]
Rhi: [laughs]
##
Rhi: You know, Phin hasn’t got to punch a single person this time. It’s so sad.
Madge: I could have punched a cop, but I—
Rhi: Yeah, that went really well for you last time.
Josie: [laughs]
[sound of dice rolling]
Madge: Well, I decided not to punch a cop because I was being good. I got a 6.
##
Rhi: And Myra’s making a new friend.
Minna: [laughs]
Rhi: It’s gonna be so, so great if you continue to like, build up a friendship with Bazso.
Josie: Yes, do it.
Rhi: And coming back and being like, “Minx, I have no idea what your problem is, Bazso’s so nice.”
Minna: Well I feel like she would only do that to purposely needle Minx, because—
Rhi: Oh yeah, for sure.
Josie: Yeah.
Minna: In large part she’s doing this because it’s a good professional relationship to have.
Rhi: Yes.
Josie: But yes, absolutely needle Minx about it.
Minna: Oh yeah, totally.
##
Rhi: Um, in terms of getting rid of that Wanted level, but—
Josie: Which means we can accrue a lot of Heat, because our next Heat level is gonna be free.
Minna: No, nope.
Josie: [laughs]
Kim: No. That’s not how that works.
Rhi: Not how that works.
Minna: We want to get down to no Wanted levels.
##
Minna: Oh, you’re saying you’re a nerd as Rhi, not as…
Rhi: Yeah, sorry, that was out of character.
Minna: I was like, why would Lani think that’s nerdy? That’s her job.
Rhi: Yeah, that was out of character. No, it was probably not required for me as a GM to come up with names and brief descriptions of twelve random street thugs, but here we are. [laughs]
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: Here I am with a Word document open that contains exactly that information.
##
Rhi: Yeah, so you’re gonna go look for Kay again? Your Gondolier buddy?
Kim: Her name is Kay?
Rhi: Yeah, her name is Kay.
Kim: Oh, okay. I’m not sure Blaire knows that.
Madge: Was this Kay who was a mountain of woman?
Rhi: Yes, the six-foot tall muscly Gondolier lady.
Madge: [gasps] She is the giant woman.
Josie: Yay!
Madge: That we were just fawning over.
Rhi: Yeah, that I, like, I made up on the spur of the moment and then you guys all fell so in love with that I’m like, “I have to name her and bring her back.” [laughs]
Josie: Listen, buff ladies are amazing.
Madge: Yes.
Kim: This is true.
##
Josie: Actually, can—[laughs] this is just a random detail, can Minx get like, an artist sketch of the Centuralia Club and pin it on her wall or something?
Rhi: You say that like she doesn’t already have it.
Josie: Fair enough.
Minna: Does Minx have a vision board?
Josie: Yes. Yes, she does.
Kim: Oh my God.
Josie: 100%.
Rhi: Very good. Very good, I love it. Oh… God bless.
Josie: She has a vision board, slash fantasy Pinterest, slash… [laughs]
Minna: [laughs]
Rhi: It’s just, it’s a board covered in very nice cloth that she just puts pictures and scraps of fabric and things on.
Josie: Yes. [laughs]
Rhi: I love it.
Josie: And there’s a sketch of the Centuralia Club front and center.
Rhi: Yep.
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: I love it, that’s very good.
##
Rhi (as Kay): If you’re trying to setup an ambush, that’s a good plan. The only problem is they don’t usually attack me.
Kim (as Blaire): Why not you?
Rhi (as Kay): Because uh…
Rhi: She looks at Blaire, which is looking down a significant amount, and just kind of raises an eyebrow and is like:
Rhi (as Kay): I don’t know, it must be my sparkling personality.
Minna: [laughs]
Josie (as Minx): Indeed.
Kim (as Blaire): Okay…
Rhi: This six foot tall, incredibly muscular woman who could easily bench press any of you says— well, maybe not easily with Phin, but—
Madge: [laughs]
##
Madge: My baby!
Minna: [whines]
Rhi: I love how everyone gets so—I feel like anyone gets outraged whenever I do anything to Blaire, and she’s the one who gets beat up the most.
Kim: I know! I get hurt so much!
Madge: Maybe you should stop doing that then!
Kim: I can’t help it, I’m squishy.
Josie: No, the demon baby.
##
Madge: Don’t like my tweet.
Minna: What?
Rhi: [laughs]
Josie: What? I’m sorry?
Minna: Oh, have you said something about what Rhi is doing?
Rhi: No, she just said “the dice have turned” and I liked it. And now I’m replying with a sparkly heart.
##
Madge: Yeah. The other is to take some more rage essence…
Kim: Don’t do that. You ruin families when you do that.
[laughter]
Rhi: Holy shit.
Kim: Am I wrong?
Rhi: No.
Madge: I don’t know that I did that.
Minna: Oh God, I didn’t mention it to you.
Madge: Yeah!
Minna: Because you’re my friend and I worry about you.
Madge: I know nothing! [laughs]
##
Josie: Flirting success.
Rhi: [laughs]
Minna: You’re incorrigible.
Josie: [laughs] What does, like— okay. I know what incorrigible means, but, like, why is it that? Why is it so similar to encouragable but it’s incorrigible?
Minna: I-N-C-O-R-R-I-G-I-B-L-E. It’s incorrectable, I think, basically?
Josie: Gotcha.
Rhi: Oh, yeah, that would make sense.
Minna: So you’re not gonna make a change. [laughs]
Josie: Right. [laughs]
Minna: With the slight implication that it’s kind of bad, but it’s mostly, “Oh you, you rascal, you.”
Josie: Why would I need to make a change? I’m perfect.
Minna: Well obviously, that’s why you’re incorrigible.
##
Rhi: Then yeah, you’d probably wanna talk to, uh… how the fuck do I pronounce this?
Minna: [laughs]
Josie: However you want. [laughs]
Rhi: I mean, this is the name that I’m dealing with here.
Minna: Ay-sell?
Kim: Ee-sell?
Rhi: Ee— I think I’ll go with Eesul.
Kim: Eesul, okay.
##
Minna: The drug page is a trip. No pun intended.
Rhi: Yeah.
Kim: Heh, heh, heh, nice.
Rhi: Oh God dammit, I didn’t even…
[laughter]
Madge: Finger guns!
Kim: Nice.
##
Kim: Are you being bad cop, or…?
Josie: Yeah, I’m being bad cop.
Kim: Oh, can I be badder cop?
Minna: [laughs]
Rhi: Uh, sure?
Rhi: Let’s deal with— you still have a ghost you’re trying to be good cop with.
Kim: Oh, right.
Josie: Yeah, y’all are in the other room.
##
Rhi: See if you guys had any goals you wanted to accomplish.
Josie: Centuralia Club…
Minna: [laughs]
Rhi: Does Minx have a goal there besides getting in the door?
Josie: No.
Rhi: Okay.
Josie: No, no, no, there is, there is. Get in there and spend money there.
##
Madge: [laughs] Hey Blaire, wanna do an Ezra?
Kim: I would love to do an Ezra.
Rhi: Okay. Um…
Kim: My name is Jabba the Hut.
Minna: [wheezes]
Rhi: God dammit.
Madge: [laughs]
Kim: I hate that little blueberry shit. Anyway… [laughs]
##
Rhi: The Buzzfeed Unsolved AU becomes more real by the day.
[laughter]
Minna: I don’t know anything about Buzzfeed Unsolved, but I’m enjoying the fact that you guys have this joke going.
Kim: It’s good.
Rhi: I… hang on a second, I gotta find.
Kim: You guys have all left me alone to have my two minutes with the ghosts.
##
Josie (as Minx): [stammers] Indeed, but… verbal protests and literary protests don’t always work in the case of Kevin, for example.
Rhi: [laughs]
Kim (as Blaire): What do you mean?
Minna: No does not always mean no. [laughs]
Kim (as Blaire): But why Kevin? I don’t get it.
Josie (as Minx): Well, there is a place for Kevin, but Kevin is never found in that place.
Kim (as Blaire): Well yeah, no, I don’t keep Kevin in there. He wouldn’t like it.
Josie (as Minx): I’m—
Kim (as Blaire): He’d get scared.
Minna (as Myra): Minx, is it really important to you that Kevin stay where he belongs?
Josie (as Minx): I— I mean, I did purchase him for that location, but I suppose if we are now personifying Kevin to this degree, to the point where even I am using the name, I suppose I can’t stop it.
##
Rhi: So, just so that I as GM understand, you’re offering to…
Minna: I don’t know why I’m offering this! This is Minna the player taking a gamble. [laughs]
Rhi: Uh huh. Let me…
Madge: This is a really [whispers] bad idea…
Minna: This is such a bad idea, why am I doing this?
Kim: Make a deal with the ghost! Make a deal with the ghost!
Josie: This is why we let Blaire do this stuff.
Rhi: Well hang on, hang on, let me… okay.
Minna: I think she’s almost running on instinct, because she’s used to making deals with people.
Rhi: Yeah, I had to look up something.
Kim: Ghosts are people. They have rights, maybe.
Rhi: No. They have no rights.
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: They are captured and turned into drugs, Kim. Ghosts have zero rights.
Kim: Okay, just because people—
Madge: Does Blaire know about this?
Minna: Oh yeah, Blaire knows.
Kim: Yeah, she hates that.
Rhi: Yeah.
Madge: Okay.
Rhi: Um, so anyway…
##
Rhi: And it’s a fairly fresh ghost, it seems. It still has a lot of its—
Madge: Mm, you caught a fresh one!
Josie: [laughs]
Kim: We got a live one here.
Rhi: Well, not quite.
[laughter]
##
Rhi: [sighs] You’re gonna make me come up with names. I can’t believe you’ve done this to me, Waffles.
Madge: “I can’t believe you’ve done this.”
Josie: How dare you.
Waffles: How dare.
##
Minna: Give me two seconds, because I just realized I have to think of a name as well.
Rhi: Yeah, welcome to Hell.
Minna: [laughs]
[laughter]
Josie: Note to self, leave names undefined for Rhi.
Rhi: [laughs] I’m going to remember that when you ask for a Devil’s Bargain next.
Minna: Is that just gonna be your response every time we displease you? [laughs]
Rhi: Yes.
##
Waffles: I’m going in the back door because I have all these cool toys and I wanna use them.
Josie: No one take that phrase out of context, listeners.
Waffles: Zero people on the internet.
##
Madge: I just thought of the Vine where it’s like, “I only have 69 cents.” “You know what that means.” “I don’t have enough money for chicken nuggets.”
[laughter]
Waffles: Ah, truth.
Rhi: Yes. That’s exactly how much money he has.
Waffles: Big mood.
Rhi: Not enough…
Minna: For chicken nuggets.
Rhi: Well, for eel nuggets.
Minna: Ugh!
Madge: Yeah. [laughs]
Minna: For squid bits!
Waffles: Not enough money for squid bits.
Rhi: Yep, yep, that’s what it would be.
##
Josie: Hold on, hold on, everyone stop for a second. Rhi, cut this out. What doctor-themed one-liner does the person who gets to do it deliver?
Waffles: [laughs]
Minna: [laughs]
Josie: We’re cheating a little bit by thinking ahead, but—
Minna: We’re making a house call. No. [laughs]
Madge: Yeah!
Minna: We’re cutting the sickness out of this city.
Josie: I was thinking hold still, I’m just gonna take some blood.
Rhi: [laughs]
Josie: Or the doctor is out.
Madge: Bet you’re down with the sickness now.
Minna: Oh no—
Josie: [squeals]
Waffles: [laughs]
Minna: What about… we’re just— I’m just gonna bleed you a little. Don’t worry, it’ll make things better.
Madge: Yeah.
Josie: Yes, okay, perfect.
Rhi: Oh God, alright.
Josie: We got it.
Madge: You’ll feel a slight pinch. [laughs]
Rhi: Okay.
Josie: Oh no, we can go with this won’t hurt a bit, and then just insta-kill him.
Rhi: Oh God. Okay, so, um…
Josie: Or not, I like— I like that one about taking a little blood.
Madge: Yeah, that one’s real good.
Rhi: [sighs]
Minna: Very on-brand for Victorian-era style medicine.
##
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah, I have a twin sister.
Minna: What?!
Josie: What?
[laughter]
Josie (as Minx): Blaire, that’s amazing. Is she also back home?
Rhi: [laughs] The GM cackles as something she’s known since day one is finally revealed.
Madge: [laughs]
Kim: It’s just not relevant, you guys. She’s back at home, she has no way of contacting her.
##
Rhi: But this has led you all to…
[sound of distant sirens]
Rhi: …sirens outside, coming to arrest us all. I’m sorry, this is the end of the game.
[laughter]
Minna: [wheeze-laughs] There’s a scene in this show called—
Kim: [sings comedy music stinger]
Minna: There’s a scene in this show called Black Books where the guy is in the middle of meeting with his accountant and then there’s sirens and he just starts— he packs a bag, shreds some things and climbs out the window. And I just pictured you doing that. [laughs]
Rhi: [laughs]
##
Kim: We are not sponsored by Ben & Jerrys.
Madge: Ben & Jerrys, please sponsor us!
[laughter]
Rhi: Yeah, if you would like to sponsor us, we will create the Duskwall version of Ben & Jerrys and put them into our game and reference them every episode.
Minna: [laughs]
Madge: Make the flavor Cones in the Dark, made with dark chocolate and other… blackberries. Dark chocolate and blackberries and also cherries, like…
Kim: Black sprinkles.
Madge: I’m so hungry. [laughs]
Josie: That’s fucking genius.
Minna: I’m just imagining a vendor who’s like Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler in Discworld, she would just keep showing up for no reason in everything.
Rhi: Yeah. We— we’ll sell out, is my point.
Madge: Yeah. Right.
Rhi: So call us, Ben & Jerrys.
Madge: @ us.
##
Kim (as Blaire): Also, this is highly inaccurate. They described us as organized.
[loud laughter, Rhi coughing and spluttering]
Madge: I mean, she’s not wrong. She’s not wrong in that criticism.
Kim: Oh my God, are you okay? [laughs]
Rhi: I’m good. I— so, I deliberately baked in a bunch of inaccuracies, but I was not expecting you to jump on that as the first one.
[laughter]
Rhi: Hoo, alright. I’m good.
Kim: And we’re off to a good start. [laughs]
Rhi: Oh man.
Minna: Christ.
Kim: Sorry. [laughs]
Rhi: That’s okay, that was very good.
[laughter]
##
Kim (as Blaire): Only a dozen?
Minna (as Myra): A dozen human sacrifices, if you recall.
Kim (as Blaire): Yeah, but a dozen a year? Only once a month?
Josie (as Minx): Uh—
Madge (as Phin): Uh… uh—
Josie (as Minx): Blaire, I think you—
Kim (as Blaire): That sounds very few. I think you would have to do way more sacrifices to get richer than the Governor.
Rhi: No, it’s a—
Madge: Or it’s really concerning that it’s only twelve.
Kim: [laughs]
Josie (as Minx): I do think our perspective might need to be reined in a little bit here. [laughs]
Kim (as Blaire): Alright, sorry. I’ll focus.
Rhi: Blaire’s criticism: “That doesn’t sound nearly ambitious enough!”
[laughter]
Madge: More murder! [laughs]
Josie (as Minx): We are talking about forced human sacrifice here, that—
Kim: We’re talking about blood magic.
Rhi: Yes.
Josie (as Minx): I do believe any number is too many—
Kim: You need a lot of blood for blood magic. [laughs] That’s all I’m saying.
Minna: Each ring is made from, as far as we can tell— or rather, the first ring was made, as far as we can tell, from the blood of a single sacrificed human being.
Kim: Hmm.
Rhi: I had to google how much iron is in the average human, so—
Josie: I was about to say.
Madge: [laughs]
Minna: You could just watch the first episode of Fullmetal Alchemist.
Rhi: I have some sketchy-ass google searches for this game, y’all.
Kim: Oh, the FBI man spying on you is like, “What the fuck?”
Rhi: Yeah. Anyway, anyway… [laughs] Sorry. Continue.
##
Rhi: I don’t know if any of you would have reason to have had more connection than that with them, but…
Kim: Uh, yeah.
Josie: Maybe Blaire, but…
Kim: I don’t know if she would associate too closely with ghost murderers.
Rhi: [laughs] They’re already dead!
Kim: Uh— uh— killing them twice, you know what I mean.
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: I know, I know. It’s just really funny.
Minna: More concerned about killing ghosts than killing human beings in blood sacrifices, but okay.
[laughter]
Josie: Well see, if they’re sacrificed in a blood sacrifice they just become a ghost. If you kill a ghost, then they’re really dead and that’s bad.
##
Rhi: Dark hair that’s starting to grey, that’s kinda slicked back—
Kim: [whispers] Shit.
Rhi: [sighs] Oh, Christ.
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: I’ve accidentally targeted Kim.
Minna: [laughs]
Kim: [breathes heavily]
Rhi: He’s wearing glasses and a very nice suit.
##
Kim: Would we cover more ground if we split up, two and two?
Josie: I mean, zoinks, Scoob, we would cover more ground, but— I said zoinks, Scoob. That was like the— that was like the ultimate failed Scooby Doo reference, I apologize to everyone.
Rhi: [laughs]
Josie: That was— no, okay.
Kim: No, I got you.
Minna: Yeah.
Kim: It’s alright.
##
Rhi: It’s like, twelve swords. [laughs]
Josie: Oh, it’s like twelve swords? Okay.
Rhi: Yeah, yeah, it’s a lot.
Kim: That is not a lot.
Josie: I’m not looking for a collection of swords.
Madge: It’s not enough!
##
Minna: Resisting the urge— okay, cool. Concussion is good. I was resisting the urge to put “Knocked Noggin” [laughs]
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: Also an accurate description.
Minna: Because my brain is trash right now.
##
Rhi: [laughs] I just love the idea of these two just like, shoved behind some crates, just staring at each other.
Kim: [mumbles]
Rhi: They can’t even have a meaningful conversation cause they’ve got rags in their mouths.
Kim: Yep.
Madge: They can’t even kiss.
Josie: Womp womp.
Rhi: You know what, they’re gonna, just, there’s gonna be a lot of gazing each others’ eyes.
Josie: Heh heh, gay-zing.
Rhi: They’ll get there, you know?
Kim: Hey!
Rhi: [laughs] Um… zero out of ten, very bad pun.
Kim: No, good pun.
Josie: I take zero out of ten as a compliment.
##
Madge: [squeaks]
[laughter]
Madge: Oh no, my mic!
Minna: What?
Madge: I knocked it over because I leaned forward too much. So you’ll just hear a spike in my audio, that’s what that is.
[laughter]
Rhi: It’s okay.
##
Rhi: And it just feels both familiar and very unfamiliar at the same time.
Madge: But not too not familiar?
Kim: God dammit, I was gonna do that!
Madge and Josie: [laugh]
Rhi: I’m just… staring into the middle distance.
##
Rhi: And it remains pretty quiet as you are, um, making your way up there.
Kim: Making our way down town.
Rhi: [sighs]
Josie: Walking fast…
Kim: I’m so sorry.
Josie: [laughs]
Kim: I’m very sorry.
Rhi: I don’t think you are. I think you’re lying to me.
Josie: Never apologize.
Kim: No. I’m not.
##
Madge: If there’s no cops around, it’s not a crime.
Rhi: [laughs] If the police don’t see it, it isn’t a crime.
Minna: [laughs]
##
Minna (as Myra): Do you have the names of the people who disappeared?
[pause]
Minna: You don’t have to say them Rhi, uh, I will take a list.
Rhi: [laughs]
Minna: Myra will take a written list, she just wants to know who’s gone.
Rhi: Yep.
Madge: I can, like, feel the GM panic.
[laughter]
Minna: I know, sorry! I didn’t mean— give me a list. What she really meant was who are they.
Rhi: [laughs] Yeah, no, that’s fine. I just— as soon as you said who are they I was like… and the thing is, normally, like, in the past when I’ve had large groups of people like this that I’ve been planning, I’ve come up with names, and I didn’t. So it was half a stare of like, “Of course you’re asking me for names,” and half of like, “Aw shit, why didn’t I come up with names?”
##
Minna: But I don’t want to do that.
Rhi: Mm hmm. Yeah.
Minna: Uh…
Madge: [chants] Split the party!
Minna: No.
Rhi: [laughs]
Minna: Not leaving Phin alone.
Madge: We already did it once!
Minna: I don’t wanna— this is not the point at which to split the party.
Madge: Everything’s fine. Eh. It’s already split, home-skillet.
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: Got three people, go three different directions, what’s the worst that could happen?
Madge: Yeah.
Josie: We can cover a lot of ground that way.
Madge: Nothing. No one will die.
Minna: Hmm…
Madge: I know for a fact that Rhi will never have any us take level 4 harm.
Rhi: [laughs]
Minna: Do not say that in her hearing.
Rhi: See, now… now I’ve just been challenged.
Minna: Oh my God, Phin. Madge. You know what I mean.
[laughter]
Josie: Breaking every tabletop rule.
##
Rhi: Yeah, well, and like, Phin has been rolling really good with the 6s too. Like, you guys are—
Madge: Uhh… [laughs] I had some bad dice karma that the universe needed to sort out, so…
Rhi: That’s true, that’s true.
Josie: That’s true.
Rhi: Yeah. Um, okay—
Minna: We’re not doing that well.
Madge: Ssh!
Rhi: You—[laughs] You trying to convince the dice to not turn on you?
Madge: Yeah.
Josie: Yeah. Don’t jinx it. [laughs]
##
Rhi: Yeah, hang on, let me— well, cause I— she’s—[stammers] she’s a Skovlander and I wanna do my, like, pseudo Russian-y, Eastern European-y accent, but I have to remember how I do it. Uh… let me look at… [in accent] Emilia Vasile. Why did you come to Barovia? This is a stupid place. Okay, I think I have it now.
Josie: [laughs]
Rhi: I’m playing—[laughs] [in accent] This is the character that I play in my Curse of Strahd game, and she hates everyone because they came to a terrible place.
Josie: Barovia is terrible.
Rhi: Mm hmm.
##
Rhi (as Skovlan character): Um— what— I— why are you doing this?
Madge: Because I’m a nice person! Sorry. I’m a nice person, why are people always so—
Josie: That’s a totally in-character response.
Madge: [laughs]
Rhi: And she like— does Phin actually, like, raise her voice a little?
Madge: No. [laughs]
Rhi: Okay. [laughs]
##
Rhi: Yeah, you’re high and strapped to a ritual table of some kind, so it’s weird to—
Minna: That sounds like your idea of a good night out.
Rhi: [laughs]
Josie: I know. Dammit, I’m— I’m gonna drop that line, I was saving it.
Minna: Oh, I’m so sorry! [laughs]
Josie: [laughs]
Madge: The magic of editing!
Rhi: Alright… um—
Josie: Can we just totally have that in character? Myra’s just like, “This sounds like a good night for you.” “Usually there are different circumstances, dear.”
Minna: I don’t know if I would make that joke. [laughs]
Rhi: [laughs] Yeah, I don’t know if Myra would…
Minna: Especially in this situation, she is not in a quipping mood. [laughs]
Josie: Okay, fine.
Rhi: That’s okay. This can be the stinger, it’s all good.
Josie: Yes. [laughs]
Rhi: It’ll either be the stinger or I’ll put it in the blooper reel. It will not be lost, I promise.
Josie: Excellent.
##
Rhi: This is the second gun you’ve stolen.
Madge: Eh… it’s a living.
Rhi: [laughs]
Josie: Eh, we steal lots of things.
Rhi: It’s true.
Madge: I can’t keep track of everything I’ve stolen.
##
Rhi: I don’t have any specific rules against it, but what I’m picturing is that like, Blaire with like— the way that people feed fish—
Minna: I was literally—
[crosstalk]
Rhi: A little tablespoon of ectoplasmic energy into each jar. “Here you go!”
Josie: Aww.
Minna: Oh, I like that.
Kim: I was also imagining how some people would feed snakes. Like, with some kind of stick, like, keeping an arm’s length away.
Rhi: Oh God. [laughs]
Kim: But at the time, she’s still baby-talking them.
Rhi: That’s— yeah. The second one is probably more accurate, but yeah. Oh, God.
Kim: [laughs]
##
Madge: I am recording right now, Dad. Thank you.
[door creaks]
[giggling]
Madge: I love you!
[door creaking]
[laughter]
Minna: Right in the middle of this intense—
[unintelligible cross-talk]
Rhi: Oh God.
##
Rhi: And I think on that, we… listen, you all served me a very good dramatic irony line. [laughs]
Madge: [laughs]
Rhi: Um…
Kim: Oh, we’re terrible.
##
Rhi: Let me make a roll to see how well Nell does. Or Nyra.
[dice rolling]
Kim: I think that we should just change her name to every female N name.
Rhi: Alright— yeah, she’s gonna be Nancy when she comes back.
Kim: Oh hey, Nella. Hey… Nisabelle.
Rhi: [laughs]
##
Rhi: You will see— shit. [laughs] Sorry, my brain just filled in “a field of 30 ghost boys”. [laughs]
Minna: A what? It just filled in what, sorry?
Madge: Ghost boys. A field of boys.
Rhi: A field of 30 ghost boys. [laughs]
Minna: What?
Rhi: I will link you to that.
Minna: Okay, it’s a reference. I get it, okay. Sorry.
Madge: Yeah, it’s a Final Pam.
Rhi: Yes. From— I’ll link you to those Monster Factory episodes, they’re great. Pinnacles of—
Kim: How many boys can we get up in this forest?
Rhi: [laughs] Field of 30 ghost boys. Okay, done.
##
Kim (as Blaire): It’s beautiful. They do move in herds.
Rhi: [laughs]
Madge: Oh gosh! [sings Jurassic Park music]
Rhi: [laughs] Oh my God.
[laughter]
Rhi: Blaire’s fucking David Attenborough-ing it up over here.
##
Rhi: And that is gonna be the end of the episode.
Josie: Phew.
Minna: Oh man.
Madge: Aah!
Rhi: And the end of the season.
Madge: [yells]
Rhi: [laughs]
Josie: Ah God, that was so good.
Rhi: Holy shit, you guys! [laughs]
Roommate 1: I heard you!
Minna: Can we just, like, the volume, if I just hold it up like this?
Roommate 1: Just hold this?
Roommate 2: Say what we were going to say.
Roommate 1: Mmmaa…
[laughter]
Roommate 2: Sorry. Ready?
Roommate 1 and 2: Maaaagpies!
Minna: Oh hey, y’all hit some decent levels like that!